Do you find it difficult to effectively communicate hard truths?
How does one say what needs to be said, without unnecessarily hurting the message receiver?
How do we avoid triggering an emotional reaction that may prevent them from hearing the intended message?
You might’ve heard about the s..t sandwich. Take the bitter news, and slide it between two layers of sweet. This is also known as the cowardly way – it’s not really about them, it’s about you, to make it easier for the harsh truth to come out. An intelligent receiver will see right through the sugary coating and ignore the wrapping. Really, don’t do it. I’ve seen it many times and have been a receiver of it a few times myself. The sweetness fades, the bitterness lasts – years, sometimes.
So, what is the better way? The technique of Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication provides a solid foundation. Terry Real in his great “I don’t want to talk about it” book introduces a similar principle, called “The Feedback Wheel.” Both have similar four steps, and here is my “SAFE” version, heavily borrowing from these works, along with a dash of Kim Scott’s Radical Candor:
- S: Say what you SEE or hear. Just state a fact, an observation. There’s no emotion, you are not involved at this point. Just something that is happening, for example: “I noticed you are often late for our daily huddle.”
- A: Present your ANALYSIS, or Interpretation – describe how you understand it, or “what you make of it”. Such as “I interpret that as it is conflicting with some other demands on your time.”
- F: Emotion – now bring yourself into it, and lay out how it makes you FEEL. “That makes me feel frustrated as we are there waiting for you.” Careful here – talk about your own feelings, don’t turn it into an accusation, it’s a slippery slope. Often that comes as “I feel like you…”. Don’t do that. Own the feeling, you are entitled to it.
- E: EXPRESS what you need, and potentially suggest a solution. “I need to feel that my time is valued. Perhaps we can find a time that works better for you?”
Why SAFE? What makes such a way of expressing yourself SAFE? A couple of things, actually.
- You are not accusing, you are describing how something affects you
- You are leading with your understanding of the situation. Is the understanding incorrect? Great, then maybe the feeling is misplaced
- You describe YOUR feeling, which is always valid. I feel that way, and that’s a fact.
- It’s never YOU make me feel, it’s always IT makes me feel – you’re dealing with a situation/pattern, not attacking a person
Practice this with your team. As a cohesive exercise, it is quite powerful to share feedback with each other, while practicing this method of delivery.
What is a piece of feedback you’d like to give someone, and how would you phrase the delivery by using the above principles?
